I SWEAR on the names of EACH AND EVERY of my ancestors along with those of EVERY DEAD PERSON I HOLD DEAR that if I don't escape this rotting wang of a state AS SOON AS POSSIBLE I will EXPLODE and make a BIG MESS.

Dear higher power, I apologize for every time in the past weeks I may have criticized virtues such as literacy and intelligence, etc. CLEARLY I was being like that girl I knew in high school who wasn't getting any and so went around telling people she was anti-sex. It may have been crude, higher power, but certainly you must understand and forgive; after all, you left the creation of coping mechanisms to us mortals, hmm?

I would rather be locked in a room with twenty Starbucks-starved Upper East Side wenches for the REST OF MY LIFE than endure the depredations of this ignominious and hateful CRAPHEAP PENNINSULA.