Take one drink whenever it is claimed that anyone is "in bed with" any industry, company, lobby, NGO, or extragovernmental entity.

Take two drinks of that entity is the ACLU, any religion, or the pharmaceutical industry.

Take three drinks if that entity is "the military-industrial complex."

Take one drink whenever anyone professes to think reimporting American drugs from Canada (rather than producing them cheaper or capping the prices) is a good idea.

Pop open a bottle of champagne if anyone points out how stupid it is that anyone should have to reimport American drugs in the first place.

Pop two bottles if that person is George W. Bush.

Take two drinks whenever anyone discusses specific instances of someone illegally importing cheap drugs from Canada or any other country, except:

Take four drinks if that country is Myanmar, Afghanistan, Cambodia, China, Colombia, Viet Nam, or Thailand.

Take one drink whenever anyone uses any of the following terms or phrases:
-gay
-lesbian
-civil union(s)
-Alaska National Wildlife Refuge
-offshore drilling
-trickle-down economics
-college admissions
-"more of the same"
-"mixed messages"
-"feel [x's] pain"
-"purple heart"
-"firm"
-Texas Rangers
-Dallas Cowboys
-New England Patriots
-Boston Red Sox
-"Governor of California"
-judicial confirmations

Take two drinks whenever anyone uses any of the following terms or phrases:
-voodoo economics
-Uncle Tom
-token
-racial quotas
-"resolute"
-"mexed missages"
-"Governator"
-"emissions"
-Pledge of Allegiance
-"activist judges"
-Judge Charles Pickering
-NAACP

Take two stiff drinks of vodka whenever anyone tells their rags-to-riches story.

Take two stiff drinks of vodka and some Advil whenever anyone tells their outsourcing-job-loss story.

Take two drinks whenever anyone claims that non-Americans "love freedom."

Take a drink whenever anyone mentions the American flag.

Take two drinks whenever anyone mentions the Iraqi flag. (Take another drink if anyone in the room can draw or otherwise identify the new Iraqi flag.)

Take a drink whenever anyone speaks Arabic or Spanish.

Take two drinks whenever John Kerry mangles Viet Namese.

Take one drink whenever President George W. Bush mangles English.

Take one drink whenever Al Gore is mentioned.

Drink a bloody mary whenever Dan Quayle is mentioned.

Take a drink whenever anyone mentions Viet Nam.

Take two drinks whenever anyone mentions World War II.

Take three drinks whenever anyone mentions the Civil War.

Take three drinks whenever anyone mentions the Underground Railroad.

Take five drinks whenever anyone mentions the Missouri Compromise (don't worry; this probably won't happen.)

Also, thanks to fulminous, take a drink in the following cases:[Someone says] "On their watch."

"Folks."

Saying the moderator's name in a response.

Using time from one question to go back and answer a topic that has quickly become old hat.

Ignoring questions entirely and spewing out a canned response to something else.

And definitely, definitely take a drink any time someone does the closed-fists-but-still-pointing-with-your-thumbs-for-emphasis gesture. Two drinks for both hands at once. God, I hate it when they do that.